Why do I love my life so much?: January 2007

Saturday, January 27, 2007

What Turned my Head?

I am wonder what happened that I lost my momentum in my research. I think it was when I started fussing about money and how to make it. I have one of those "the grass is greener on the other side of the fence" genes and way too many self help programs.

I see people developing great internet companies and speaking empires. I think I could do that. I could. I can speak, I'm articulate. I haven't taken the steps to do it. Why? I see what is working in the money making arena but would I be sharing Truth or applying the latest technique to amass my personal wealth? I think wealth is good. What is the price?

Do I need to take a cruise or sit on a distant beach for nature to reveal her secrets to me? Are not the same secrets available for discovery right here on the farm in rural KY? I am reminded of the story "Acres of diamonds". The person searches the world over for the gems and someone else finds them right there on his original farm.

I have spent my entire life becoming awesome at relieving pain. No, I do not have money coming in while I take a vacation. I don't have passive income. But I have a gift of helping people feel better and teaching them to make choices that keep them feeling better. I encourage people to ask their own questions and find the answers that are bubbling up from within themselves. Maybe one day, my touch will comfort you.

What greater wealth can I want? Maybe these are the acorns I am planting. And one day they will sprout and renew the landscape. Can I stand before God in the end and say I was a spring in a parched and thirsty land? Is this why I love my life so much?

Hypnotic Temptation

Yes, there are many hypnotic copywriters out in the world. Most of them have my e-mail address. There is always some plan better in the next e-book, something that will give me amazing results if only I follow their plan in detail.

I bought yet again. An affliliate marketing letter written by another hypnotic copywriter whose products I genuinely appreciate convinced me. In just over 3 months time I too can accomplish more goals than I ever thought possible. That will no doubt make me happier, won't it? Will it? Another campaign of doing. The material is fine by current motivational standards. Maybe I would get things done that I have let slide. Maybe I would do whatever to help me make more money. Would it make me love my life that much more? I don't know.

More self-help directed by others. What happened to the bubbling up from within?
I came to a couple of days where my results were slower or I did not recognize the doors opening or even dallied when I could have taken speedy effort. Today I actually felt discouraged with my project. All of this makes me ripe for picking by the hypnotic copywriters who have all the answers. What is authentic about the fast track to accomplishment?

My roommate has a real passion for direction arising from within and disdain for all of these self help programs. She has watched me become excited, make effort and crash many times over. I often think she is unsophisticated in the ways of the world. But perhaps she is at peace in a way that I seek.

This whole blog may be yet another self-help work designed to influence you, my reader, to do it my way. Some part of me may be hoping this will be my vehicle to my contribution to life and to riches and heck maybe even fame. Would that enable me to love my life that much more?

Anyway, I have put away the new action plan. I'm sticking with this reasearch and self reflection. I'm continuing to write about my experience with the process. Maybe someone will read this as a type of philosophy that gives them permission to quietly listen for "Why they love their life so much". Another bullet dodged ( or maybe an opportunity delayed).

Friday, January 26, 2007

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Yes, but....

Only a few things push my buttons anymore. The 'yes,but' response is one of the big ones. I am happier when my internal resistor is taking a siesta. In my work with clients, my patience is tested when someone slips into that state. It is better to jump in and try wholeheartedly or flat out say, "I won't".

A couple of days ago I found myself in just such a "yes, but" state. I was on a master mind call and the direction turned to promoting my business. My colleagues were offering solid ideas and for every one I had a retort. After a few attempts on their part, I felt myself backed into a corner but had the wisdom to see my responses were not working. I told them I hate it when people hold on to "yes,but" and I didn't know what to say. Finally an offer of assistance was left on the table for when I am ready and we moved on.

I think business development is about the only area of my life that has not yet been shifted in some way by my "Why do I love my life so much"? research. Perhaps I worry about it a bit less, knowing that it too will change if I persist. In the past months I have let go of positions that do not serve me, but have not taken a proactive stance to grow my private practice.

I have many reasons and excuses, for now I am wallowing in the swamp of 'yes, but' in this one specifc area on my life. I noticing that it is like a stubbed toe. The pain of that little part effects the carriage of my whole body, of my life. At the very least, I am a using my Why I love my life campaign to remind myself the discomfort is just in one little area and to keep taking action as I see it bubble up. I watching and recording here, the good, the bad and the humiliating.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Bubbling up, spilling over

My approach to life is so very different these days. Clearly it is not because the waters are calm. They are not. Yesterday dad was admitted to the hospital. Priorities are changing. But what needs doing seems to be bubbling up from within, like do this and this. Both are small enough steps that I am not intimidated. I feel like different doors are opening with more satisfying approaches to the issues I am facing than I had before. And the route often does not follow conventional method, though there is an innate wisdom.

I did get out the old photos. I was reminded of many activities with dad I had forgotten. Sweet memories. Since it looks like it will be a few days before I fly back to see him, I wrote him a letter reminding him of the sweet times. And the times I didn't like but were good for me, and many things for which I am grateful. I asked him for forgiveness for anything I may have done that hurt him. I told him when I was coming and that I would bring pictures and talk with him about them. I still look forward to telling him these things in person but the message has also gone forth now in case he needs it for whatever reason.

Recently I heard an interview with the captain of the sole boat that survived the Tsunami. He directed his crew to turn the boat head first into the wave at full throttle. The ride down the other side was dramatic but there was water under them and the sea was then calm as glass. I don't feel myself to be figuring things out or manipulating towards a specific preferred outcome. I feel like my eyes are wide oped with wonder and the course appears to swell up under me as I turn towards the wave. I feel authentic somehow, not divided. I am no longer chasing around the stage trying to keep a bunch of plates spinning.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Change that Channel

Today was the latest installment of painful interactions with my parents. At first I got caught up in the tragedy of the situation. It made me feel sad, helpless and confused. I even spread the pain around telling the story a couple of places. I recieved solid advice but continued in my feeling bad.

Something shifted. I realized that my parents present circumstance is a direct outcome of decisions they had made in all the many years and are now making. Sometimes it seems that they are competing to get the most attention or create the biggest drama. So I started to ask God to bless them in the journey they have chosen.

As I took a little distance I realized that I, without paying attention, had fallen into the space of feeling like I'm not being a good and loving daughter if I did not share in their drama and pain. I have no patience for drama queens or self pity parties. What role was I auditioning for here and how would it help either of them or me? Not only that but I was also spreading the misery around. Ouch!

I'm changing the channel now. I'm going upstairs and pulling out the photos I have of my parents and my childhood and recalling some of our good times together. Thank you you Dad for the love you showed me and the lessons I learned through the years. I now return to you the best I have to offer which is my gratitude and love. May these good vibes ease your suffering. I love you.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Lightbulb On!

I know my theme question is a great one. But it could have been one of a million other questions. Why this one? The light just came on. The best questions approach life as an integrated whole. If my question(s) focus on a specific aspect of life like wealth, self confidence, or weight I am compartmentalizing life which inherently pulls me and my attention in different directions.This creates drama. Every question demands a bigger piece of my energy pie. Having one central question keeps all my ponies harnessed and pulling in the same direction. No wonder I am seeing my life change so much.

Why do I love my life so much? is the question I have planted, the one I romance, the one I allow to roll around in my brain. It is THE question I savor with all my senses. But when I have an issue that comes up, I do now frame it in its own question. Like with my dad, I ask, "Why do I feel so loving and connected with dad"?
This question takes the place of prior "mental masturbation" around our relationship which mostly made one or both of us come out the bad guy. While the question never looms larger than my core question, it does put a certain spin on the direction I am looking for the answer.

Does the question you have chosen address your life as a whole or focus on a chunk of life? Does it matter?

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Finding the Connections

I am totally amazed by the way my life is unfolding by asking the question, "Why do I Loved my Life so much?" I am feeling moved to fix things I never knew were broken.
I didn't know that my relationship could be so much better by suggesting a way for us to spend more time together. I wasn't looking to improve my relationship. I thought I was about creating this great and profitable business. I spent much of my time on that going nowhere and guilting myself in the process.

Instead, I suggested we go "computer free" 2 hours every evening and instead spend that time with each other. And have a 6 hour block each weekend. The first evening or two were a bit awkward. But then we hit a stride. It wasn't about me and my project or reading or marketing class. I had set the time aside to be with loved ones. When projects came along, I wasn't conflicted, feeling I should do this but want to do that. So I pitched in without reservation. I enjoyed myself. I enjoyed my mate. Then there would come a little compliment about something I did. I was present enough to hear it and receive it. And then they agreed to "sit still and do nothing" with me, without coaxing or reservation. Such a joy! No pushing, no pulling, no isolation. Just flowing together. Very sweet!

There is another issue welling up in my eyes and heart as my dad and step mother are both deteriorating in health very quickly. Honestly speaking on a scale of 1-10 with one being animosity and 10 being connectedness I would have to say my relationship with my dad is a six. 15- 20 years ago it would have been a one. I called home once every 3-4 months, visted every few years. I grew up feeling afraid of him and angry.

Things got better between us in increments as I matured. I watched my mate be a more attentive daughter than had ever crossed my mind to be. So I started calling home more often. The calls were appreciated and well recieved even if superficial.
One day my dad and another WWII freely discussed their experiences in the war in my presence and I understood something about his values and why he had raised us in the way he had. And there was another leap when a colleague and I swaped "good dad stories" on a long drive. I had easy access to tough memories. It was great to create access to the good times we had together.

I don't know that dad changed through any of this. It was my perception that shifted, then my attitde and behavior shifted. Now he is suffering. Reduced from a strong and vibrant man to a world filled with the toilet, his bed, and sometimes the dining room. It churns up all kinds of feelings in me. One of my mentors suggested I find a way to get in touch with how connected I am to him under all the stories and drama, to connect on the level of heart. While I don't know what this means, it makes me cry.

I never thought getting in touch with why I love my life so much would bring me face to face with such pain. I don't need to turn from it. I admit my approach is theoretical still. Last night I dreamt of viewing my dad through the eyes of the Star Trek: Next Generation officers. Data's take, Counselor Troy's take, Worf's take, among others.

Today I made a list of the things I fault him for that I consider to be negative, experiences I had that I didn't like but now see as having had valuable formative influence on me, and positive supportive experiences. At this point I listed more positives than negatives and if you add in the things that were "good for me" the scale should tilt closer to a 10 rating. Maybe the balance is wobbling a bit more on its fulcrum but the emotional tone of the negative nearly outweighs all of the good. I think I am feeling more connected and kindly towards him and then he snaps at me or someone and I am thrown back into the emotional fear of childhood and recoil back into myself.

I suspect that my finding that place of connection between us will benefit both of us. I won't find the conection in my comfort zone. It will take playing on much more of the field than I have. Somehow I know that the quality ofloving my life will dramatically shift for risking it. "The how" will present itself. I'm watching for it.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Hit the jackpot

In the dawn of awakening I realized that the prior dream of winning $99 million might be another way of telling myself that I "Hit the Jackpot" in the direction I am going with this question and research project.

There was another question on my mind this morning as well which was "Why is it so easy for me to take action on what I want to get done?" I started to follow this thread and even made a list of undone things but somehow it felt as though I was veering off my initial quest. Maybe why I love my life so much is not about being a great doer of things. Maybe this is a kind of sabotage sneaking in from the side lines. I don't want to be about checking things off my list. I want to feel alive and fully engaged exploring things as they open to me.

My decision is to stick with the original question for a minimum of 90 days. No changes, additions or embellishments. I want to see where this path leads and what the potential is for my life. One thing is clear: when I am fussing at myself for not getting more done, I am not loving my life so much.

The plan to turn off computers and electronic things to spend 2 quality hours a day with my loved ones is bringing a greater fulfillment to my life. Putting limits on working is a good thing. It appears I am more productive also.

Another interesting opportunity appeared for me to be the coordinator of a master mind team for the Diamond Club (Mike Angier). I walked through that door. I didn't plan it, yet I thrive when I am focused on something bigger than myself and my plans. I suspect this responsibility will propel me through fear barriers that would have stopped me in the past.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

The Beeswax Acorn

I have been asked how I came to this question and project. It started with a beeswax acorn I received from my friend that came with a card recounting the story of a shephard in Southern France who planted 100,000 acorns. A few days later I was on a mastermind call and we were discussing goals and legacies. I spoke about the little acorn and my now paying attention to the tiny acts and their consequences. Charles Burke of www.BullsEye-Living.com asked me to write something up. I did...

"The package from my friend was lightweight and as I unwrapped it I thought she sent me a mailer filled with tissue paper. But nestled in the center was a small beeswax acorn attached to an oversized business card that summarized the story of “The Man Who Planted Trees” by Jean Giono. It spoke of a quiet shepherd in France who planted more than 100,000 acorns which eventually transformed a barren wilderness back into thriving ecosystem. This happened just out of his love for planting trees. A great work sprouted from his small, persistent and loving deed.

I started remembering other experiences and stories that spoke to the difference simple daily actions make in my life and in the world.

“The Daffodil Principle” was a widely circulated internet story by Jaroldeen Asplund Edward, A remote place becomes transformed every spring as a natural canvas of flowers in bloom. "50,000 bulbs. One at a time, by one woman. Two hands, two feet, and very little brain. Began in 1958." I don’t know if the story is true but I would love to come up out of the fog and see such a valley before me. I can see it in my mind’s eye. I started my own little daffodil garden along the road in front of our farm.

Then there was the crossing guard in Southern California who always had a smile and a wave that connected with me. I would change my route if I was out driving at that time of day just to pass that corner. She was front page news when she retired. Recently it was the woman who does laundry at the local nursing home who always has a smile and knows everyone by name. I asked her about it one day. She said after she recovered from cancer she was just so glad to be alive. She is giving back.

And one time this year, in Covington KY, I passed a person wearing a large box that covered all of him down to his knees. There were arm holes and eye slits for seeing. “Honk if you are having a good day.” was scrawled on the box. He waved to all passersby. I honked. I didn’t hear any other honks. I have looked for him every time I have since passed that corner and smiled inside. Does he know how his presence affected me that day?

I am left with new questions.
What seeds am I planting?
What seeds do I want to plant?
What plants are actually growing from my seeds?
What needs weeding? Cultivating?
How will I feel at the end of my life when I look upon the garden my
attitude and actions produced?
Am I cultivating what is really important?
How does my garden affect others?
How am I letting others know the effect their action seeds have on me?

This year is not about how much I weigh or how much money I make. This year is about why I love my life so much. This year is about what sprouts out of my love for this day. Today is about letting others know how they have touched my life.

What great work is sprouting from the seeds you are now planting? Does it warm your heart?"

Every year I make a "give away" for clients and friends. This year I designed and assembled "The I Love My Life Activity Bag." Giving the bags was my way of planting acorns. One of these acorns has sprouted into this research project and blog.

And now I invite you to take this same question as your own and observe what happens in your life.

And yes, You can get a "I Love My Life Activity Bag". The cost is $12 postage paid inside the U.S.; $15 overseas. Just e-mail me at skymfr@yahoo.com as this operation is still low-tech. It would be my pleasure to arrange shipment to you.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Why is this question working?

I am not under the illusion that the question of why I love my life so much keeps me in a "pleasure mode." The expectation fostered by this question does put me on the look out for more things that do give me pleasure. It also directs my attention to areas of my life that need work in order to love my life more. It doesn't take away pain but it does seem to allow more resourceful past experiences to guide present day decisions than before. I am experiencing everything more acutely as my senses come off automatic pilot.

I have starting seeing arenas of my life call to me as if they have a halo around them. It is something that says look here and take some action. Yesterday it was my relationship that got my attention and we spoke about the lack of "Togetherness". It was more like we were running parallel lives out of the same living space. So we made a plan to turn the computers off certain evening hours and spend that time with each other. That will either take us closer to where we want to go or it won't and then we will choose again. We'll see how this unfolds. I suspect that if we did not take action now while the discomfort is relatively minor that the relationship would grow a great deal more painful until it demanded attention on a large scale.

It could well be that what I experience as the power of this question in my life is actually the result of all three decisions:
1. to focus on Why I love my life so much,
2. to observe the effects of this focus on both me and others and
3. to sit still-do nothing time which allows me to listen to myself better.

Certainly the specific thematic question makes a difference. One friend told me today he has a similar single pointed focus around his relationship. Every morning he asks what can he do today to make his love happy and every night he asks if he has done enough. It certainly creates an intense and passionate relationship. I have also witnessed profound pain when the relationship doesn't seem to live up to his ideal. What would shift if he worded his question a little differently?

I currently count my life as better than ever I can remember and I am making more subjective progress towards prior goals than I made when I was focused on them. Time will tell how well I persist on this quest and what the fruit will be.

What is your theme question? How is it playing out? Does the question need tweaking a bit to optimize your outcome?

Monday, January 08, 2007

"High Hopes"

I finally decided which song I would play upon my grand entrance to the big fight. It would be Theme to Chariots of Fire as sung by Jane Oliver as "Race to the end". Like the movie it is about giving it your all, learning to live again.

Rocky Balboa, The movie I saw yesterday used the theme song, "High Hopes". Someone else picked it for him and he stopped and commented on the song as he came in. Seeing that the task at hand was daunting to most people, High Hopes was an ironic choice. Though Rocky did not go to Las Vegas to loose.

One of the most poignant moments of the movie was his in this discussion with his son. "Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!"

I think moving forward depends on how much you can take, what you can pull out of yourself, and whether you can put your foot out into space knowing the ground will rise up to meet you. I give the movie a 10 as it relates to this particular journey.

"Why I love my Life" living is causing me to look at every aspect of my life and challenging me to take action to bring it up the stanard of genuine love of my life. This includes physical fitness, cleaniliness and order and relationships. It is curious to see how organically the themes come up as opposed to setting down the goal to improve certain aspects of my life. A brief sharing about someone elses positive changes in relationship led to a question about my own. Now we are considering how to upgrade the quality of our relationship. Mediocrity cannot persist in my loving my life. Upgrade or move on.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Wearing stripes with plaids

January 6, 2007

Einstein pointed out, "Once you aceept the universe as being something expanding into an infinite nothing which is something, wearing stripes with plaids is easy".

My dream had something to do with managing non-conformists. This experiment seems to be reaching into my very essence.

This morning as I walked into my martial arts space, I suddenly realized, "Wow, I have it easy". I was in a heated room, the lights were on, there were thick foam mats on the floor. Compare this to many living conditions around the world, not to mention training conditions. Maybe easy is not better if it ever comes down to survival but for now I am grateful.

I thought of my recent prior life as playing around the 50 yard line. There was I time I was not even watching from the stands. Dr Dave of Drdavesbest.com gave me another image today. " Your problem is you are aiming for the middle. You are buying all the hype they are throwing at you (about aging) and trying to just survive in the center of the statisical curve". How Yuck is that!

I feel like 99 million dollars!

January 5, 2007

Dream: I won $99,502,000!!

I thought I could imagine what it would feel like to come into a lot of money. I wasn't even close. Now I know how to feel this monied state.

A great day all around. I started this blog. I chanted my theme as I was swimming. When I came out of the sports center I watched the birds chase across the small patch of blue in an otherwise cloudy sky and felt the rush of exercise. If this were to be my last day on earth, at least I was sensually alive and aware. Now this makes a good day!

Inside remodel

January 2, 2007

Dream: My house was being remodeled and expanded. Most of the dirty work was already finished. The rooms were larger with more variety. The garden soil was very yum. And a 4 wheeler track ran along side the edge of my property into the woods. One room, maybe my room was upstairs and only accisible from an outside entrance. We were on our way to see it when I woke.

Did the rubberband break?

January 1, 2007 night time

Until now I have felt great forward momentum. Then, SNAP, I was flung back into old self pity, I can't do it territory. I indulged myself awhile and wondered at the the origin of the feeling. I did what I could make myself do, worked on a craft project, fed the llamas, did 11 minutes of (SSDN)sit still do nothing.

Eventually I had the image that these feelings are just part of playing on a bigger field, the action is out away from the 50 yeard line. My main goal is to keep the ball in motion and don't let the energy get stuck anywhere in particular. How much power is corralled in make nice. Make nice is how I shut down. Why I love my life has to do with feeling alive, even if outside my current comfort zone.

A warrior? Me?

January 1, 2007

So far my most unexpected shift is in seeking out "warrior" models. I am not engaging in warfare of the typical sort. Rather, I seem to be engaged in a battle to come alive. Prior to this I would say I played it safe. I described my life as one lived around the 50 yard line. No adenalin for me if I could help it.

I don't even know how to approach "warrior training". So besides being on a hurt for appropriate songs, I watched movies I would never watch. The terminator movies, V for Vendetta, GI Jane. So if prior mental programing is best modified by intense emotional input then I have been reloading images of women coming into their own strength and power.

Perhaps coming to love my life requires taking a stance to become visible.
I took time to start listing times I went for it so far in my life. I am not so "much afraid" as I had thought. Go girl!

Friday, January 05, 2007

Blocks to Happiness

12/31/2006
Self denigration is the great block to happiness. (Pema Chodron)
No wonder last year was not as successful as I had hoped. My efforts often came up short and I judged myself harshly. That has not been happening with this new approach.

Pema also points out the paradox that when we try to become happier we instead do the very thing that makes us unhappy. Like I have been trying to lose weight. When sticking to a resisted food plans becomes difficult I eat comfort foods that sabotage my efforts at weight lose. I am then feeding the habit to avoid feeling the discomfort of changing my eating patterns. Hmmm Which of my behaviors contribute to my ultimate happiness? What attitude will help me move into and through the discomfort of changing comfort zones?

"A great life is no accident. Take time to design the life you want". (Philip Humbert) What I am going for this year is a feeling state instead of accomplishments. I wonder if accomplishments will be the side effect?

There is one habit I am cultivating this year: SSDN. Sit still, do nothing. (5 Pillars) I decided to start with 5 minutes and add 1 minute a day til I get to 45. Today was 10 minutes. Then I hit my "Easy Button" which says "That was easy"! Makes it more fun.

I'm still searching for songs. My martial arts instructor asked "If you are coming into the ring to fight for the world chamionship, what music is playing with your grand entrance"? Give me a few days on that one.

I spent some time looking back at the incidents of my life that contributed to my conforming to norms and keep me playing things safe and staying invisible. Now I am looking to come into my power and magnificence. I spent time reflecting on moments of success and going for it. This is the river I choose to swim in.

A New Spin

December 29, 2006

I am back posting based on my journal notes.

When I woke this morning I posed my question, "Why do I love my Life so much", and I felt like spinning. I stretched out my arms, and like a child, twirled about one directiona and then the other until I was ready to tumble down. It made me giggle and put a "new spin" on my life.

I got a check for one of my gourds from Wet Dog Studios.

There is a warrior componebt to this theme I did not expect. Perhaps coming from the influence of the "5 Pillars" book I am reading. I want to complile a cd of songs that call to me. So strange. It used to be that I perferred my own thoughts or inspirational tapes to music. I heard an NPR interview with Richard Petty and part of "I Won't Back Down". It goes on my CD. I am now on the prowl for more songs.

We got a new mail box for Christmas. I just finished painting it with Peonies. Looks inviting.

Initiate Research Project

At the beginning of the new year everyone says to set specific measurable goals. Not for me this year. This year I am choosing a theme and a research project instead. This blog is record of my observations and an invitation to join the research project and post your own observations.

The theme: Why do I love my life so much?
I am not listing answers but rather planting the question as a seed and nuturing it. I pose the question before my feet hit the ground in the morning and again as my head hits the pillow, as well as other times of the day as I think of it.

The research: How does this theme play out in my life and affect those around me? What energetic waves issue out from this theme and how are they recieved? What vibrational impact do I observe? What ideas inspire me to take action?

I wrote a baseline of my results from 2006 goals I set. I spent too much energy last year feeling bad that I was not taking more action on my goals and wondering what my hang up was.

This year is not about discipline and goals but about nuturing curiosity. I am not asking for specific things but rather cultivating a feeling. Will this give me the balance of present moment awareness and future direction? Time will tell.

Why do I love my life so much?