Finding the Connections
I am totally amazed by the way my life is unfolding by asking the question, "Why do I Loved my Life so much?" I am feeling moved to fix things I never knew were broken.
I didn't know that my relationship could be so much better by suggesting a way for us to spend more time together. I wasn't looking to improve my relationship. I thought I was about creating this great and profitable business. I spent much of my time on that going nowhere and guilting myself in the process.
Instead, I suggested we go "computer free" 2 hours every evening and instead spend that time with each other. And have a 6 hour block each weekend. The first evening or two were a bit awkward. But then we hit a stride. It wasn't about me and my project or reading or marketing class. I had set the time aside to be with loved ones. When projects came along, I wasn't conflicted, feeling I should do this but want to do that. So I pitched in without reservation. I enjoyed myself. I enjoyed my mate. Then there would come a little compliment about something I did. I was present enough to hear it and receive it. And then they agreed to "sit still and do nothing" with me, without coaxing or reservation. Such a joy! No pushing, no pulling, no isolation. Just flowing together. Very sweet!
There is another issue welling up in my eyes and heart as my dad and step mother are both deteriorating in health very quickly. Honestly speaking on a scale of 1-10 with one being animosity and 10 being connectedness I would have to say my relationship with my dad is a six. 15- 20 years ago it would have been a one. I called home once every 3-4 months, visted every few years. I grew up feeling afraid of him and angry.
Things got better between us in increments as I matured. I watched my mate be a more attentive daughter than had ever crossed my mind to be. So I started calling home more often. The calls were appreciated and well recieved even if superficial.
One day my dad and another WWII freely discussed their experiences in the war in my presence and I understood something about his values and why he had raised us in the way he had. And there was another leap when a colleague and I swaped "good dad stories" on a long drive. I had easy access to tough memories. It was great to create access to the good times we had together.
I don't know that dad changed through any of this. It was my perception that shifted, then my attitde and behavior shifted. Now he is suffering. Reduced from a strong and vibrant man to a world filled with the toilet, his bed, and sometimes the dining room. It churns up all kinds of feelings in me. One of my mentors suggested I find a way to get in touch with how connected I am to him under all the stories and drama, to connect on the level of heart. While I don't know what this means, it makes me cry.
I never thought getting in touch with why I love my life so much would bring me face to face with such pain. I don't need to turn from it. I admit my approach is theoretical still. Last night I dreamt of viewing my dad through the eyes of the Star Trek: Next Generation officers. Data's take, Counselor Troy's take, Worf's take, among others.
Today I made a list of the things I fault him for that I consider to be negative, experiences I had that I didn't like but now see as having had valuable formative influence on me, and positive supportive experiences. At this point I listed more positives than negatives and if you add in the things that were "good for me" the scale should tilt closer to a 10 rating. Maybe the balance is wobbling a bit more on its fulcrum but the emotional tone of the negative nearly outweighs all of the good. I think I am feeling more connected and kindly towards him and then he snaps at me or someone and I am thrown back into the emotional fear of childhood and recoil back into myself.
I suspect that my finding that place of connection between us will benefit both of us. I won't find the conection in my comfort zone. It will take playing on much more of the field than I have. Somehow I know that the quality ofloving my life will dramatically shift for risking it. "The how" will present itself. I'm watching for it.
I didn't know that my relationship could be so much better by suggesting a way for us to spend more time together. I wasn't looking to improve my relationship. I thought I was about creating this great and profitable business. I spent much of my time on that going nowhere and guilting myself in the process.
Instead, I suggested we go "computer free" 2 hours every evening and instead spend that time with each other. And have a 6 hour block each weekend. The first evening or two were a bit awkward. But then we hit a stride. It wasn't about me and my project or reading or marketing class. I had set the time aside to be with loved ones. When projects came along, I wasn't conflicted, feeling I should do this but want to do that. So I pitched in without reservation. I enjoyed myself. I enjoyed my mate. Then there would come a little compliment about something I did. I was present enough to hear it and receive it. And then they agreed to "sit still and do nothing" with me, without coaxing or reservation. Such a joy! No pushing, no pulling, no isolation. Just flowing together. Very sweet!
There is another issue welling up in my eyes and heart as my dad and step mother are both deteriorating in health very quickly. Honestly speaking on a scale of 1-10 with one being animosity and 10 being connectedness I would have to say my relationship with my dad is a six. 15- 20 years ago it would have been a one. I called home once every 3-4 months, visted every few years. I grew up feeling afraid of him and angry.
Things got better between us in increments as I matured. I watched my mate be a more attentive daughter than had ever crossed my mind to be. So I started calling home more often. The calls were appreciated and well recieved even if superficial.
One day my dad and another WWII freely discussed their experiences in the war in my presence and I understood something about his values and why he had raised us in the way he had. And there was another leap when a colleague and I swaped "good dad stories" on a long drive. I had easy access to tough memories. It was great to create access to the good times we had together.
I don't know that dad changed through any of this. It was my perception that shifted, then my attitde and behavior shifted. Now he is suffering. Reduced from a strong and vibrant man to a world filled with the toilet, his bed, and sometimes the dining room. It churns up all kinds of feelings in me. One of my mentors suggested I find a way to get in touch with how connected I am to him under all the stories and drama, to connect on the level of heart. While I don't know what this means, it makes me cry.
I never thought getting in touch with why I love my life so much would bring me face to face with such pain. I don't need to turn from it. I admit my approach is theoretical still. Last night I dreamt of viewing my dad through the eyes of the Star Trek: Next Generation officers. Data's take, Counselor Troy's take, Worf's take, among others.
Today I made a list of the things I fault him for that I consider to be negative, experiences I had that I didn't like but now see as having had valuable formative influence on me, and positive supportive experiences. At this point I listed more positives than negatives and if you add in the things that were "good for me" the scale should tilt closer to a 10 rating. Maybe the balance is wobbling a bit more on its fulcrum but the emotional tone of the negative nearly outweighs all of the good. I think I am feeling more connected and kindly towards him and then he snaps at me or someone and I am thrown back into the emotional fear of childhood and recoil back into myself.
I suspect that my finding that place of connection between us will benefit both of us. I won't find the conection in my comfort zone. It will take playing on much more of the field than I have. Somehow I know that the quality ofloving my life will dramatically shift for risking it. "The how" will present itself. I'm watching for it.
posted by Patricia @ 8:23 PM
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