Why do I love my life so much?

No more New Year's resolutions for me! This year I picked a theme question to guide and shape my choices. The theme: Why do I love my life so much? I am not seeking answers but rather planting the question as a seed and nuturing it. The research: How does this theme play out in my life and affect those around me? What vibrational impact do I observe? What are my results? Posts build on one another, so best to start with the first one.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

My Cornerstones

I started this blog as a record of my experiment in personal growth shortly before Christmas. I committed to 2 months and have continued on because of my results. Over time I am noticing certain themes that appear to be central to my success in more fully embracing my life. I am calling these themes my cornerstones.

My founding cornerstone was formulating the question, "Why do I Love My Life So Much?" It has enabled me to enjoy my life more than I did previously and given me a beacon with which to guide my life. I am now thinking that is because it cultivates a sense of wonder. It is a simple way to cultivate the eyes of a child who is seeing things new.

The second cornerstone, and hardest for me to be consistent with, is the practice of "Sitting Still and Doing Nothing". Meditation per se has never been my strong suit. I have an inquiring and often controlling mind. Sitting still and doing nothing, thinking nothing is tough. I started with 3 minutes a day and worked up one minute a day til I got to 20 minutes. I didn't do nothing exactly. I counted my breaths starting at a random number and counting backwards so my mind wouldn't wonder off into planning or worry. When I do this, I get more inspirations that are easy for me to act on.

I figured out I cannot substitute sitting still and listening to a piece of music, hypnotic tape or brain wave altering program. It is not the same. When I get overwhelmed or out of sorts it is most often because I have not been doing this.

Last month I identified my third cornerstone which I called "Gamzu". Gamzu is Hebrew for "this also" the initial words to the phrase, "This also is for the best".
I suppose I could frame it as a question like "How is this also for the best"? but I just now thought of that so I don't know if that works better for me. Gamzu works best when I embrace the idea that whatever is happening is for the best rather than giving it lip service. Gamzu is about acceptance as opposed to resistance. Gamzu is about accepting the unacceptable. Over time, I have seen what I considered to be miracles happen when I took this stance wholeheartedly.

So at the 7 month report I have 3 cornerstones to my personal growth:
Why do I love my life so much?: Wonder
Sit still and do nothing time: Silence for Inspiration
Gamzu, this also is for the best: Acceptance

I am continuing my experiment. I invite you to experiment with these cornerstones and let me know how they work for you.

Warm Glass

I took a vacation! I even called it a vacation. You have to know me to know how revolutionary that is. It is not unusual for me to go to a seminar or training but it usually is devoted to developing my professional skills. This was a vacation to do learn something just because I wanted to.

Warm glass is is the art of fusing and slumping glass. Glass is melted together and shaped. I wasn't blowing glass or making stained glass. In many ways it is like doing ceramics or pottery. I learned a variety of ways to work with glass which was then placed in a kiln and fired. Heating glass to 1400-1800 degrees changes it just like pottery looks different after glazing and firing.

My great works of art did not come out of the kiln looking like I imagined they would when I put them in. Sometimes I liked them better, sometimes I just had to say it was an interesting experiment. Some were totally ruined. Always it is an adventure into the mysterious.

When I put brass between glass layers it bubbled up because brass boils at a lower temperature than glass and the bubbles were frozen in the glass. Copper leaf turns a delicious blue with little regularly spaced air bubbles. We even did "pot melts" where we placed shards of glass into small terra cotta plant pots which were heated in the kiln to 1800 degrees until the melted glass dripped out into a puddle that we could then use in other projects. Mine was especially cool looking.

I brought home a bunch of 3x3 inch square tiles of my experimentation with various techniques. We each did a larger shaped piece. We got to where we could almost predict which piece belonged to someone because of the colors and themes individuals gravitated towards.

Now, I can look at glass art and have a sense of how they did it and be able to evaluate the quality of the piece. I have developed my sense of glass appreciation. I see all glass in my life differently now. I know how it is made, what stresses it, how things interact with it.

I am planning on taking another class, probably in glass print making. I am not now planning on purchasing a kiln and launching a new business or hobby. I am seeking out exhibits and galleries featuring glass. In Oct Melanie and I are planning to visit the Chihuly blown glass installation showing at the conservatory in Pittsburgh.

Loving my life comes from exploring whatever interests me. Warm glass came to my attention at the Pike Street Market when I was last in Seattle for dad's funeral. I bought a fused piece and chatted with the artist at length. This was the first class I could fit into my schedule. Art fed my soul when I was suffering after my friends death.

If life is about savoring sensory input, I have upped my appreciation quotient which helps me answer anew, Why do I love my life so much?

My Heart Jumped

Some things simply change the course of a day, or of a life. That just happened to me. I clicked on a link to Charles Burke's website (http://www.bullseye-living.com/) and there in the upper right hand corner was a box with links to his friends and there was my name which linked to this blog. My heart did jump. My mood totally shifted. I didn't feel so very alone.

Until that moment, I had been in a curl up in the corner and lick my grieving wounds for some time. I could pull myself up to see clients or go to a glass class and then I would sink back down into my quick sand of thinking I had nothing to enthuse me. I had insights into my Why do I Love My Life So Much project but since I felt disconnected from others, I didn't feel inspired to develop them. But seeing the link to my blog shifted my being in a way I couldn't shift by myself.

This is a testimony to the connectedness of life and how little inclusions or acts of kindness make a greater difference than I could imagine. I am increasingly convinced that the things that make life worth living are in between the lines of the script I write for myself. Loving my life depends on the delivery of the lines, the smile in my heart, and the smile in someone Else's heart towards me.

Thanks Charles!

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Chipmunk Cheeks!

I look like a chipmunk who found a cash of nuts! I'm guessing the death of my friend hit a raw nerve as I manifested an abscessed tooth. I naively hoped it was a loose crown. It took lots of repetitions of "Why do I love my life so much?" and "Gamzu" to get through the past week.

One thing I can say is a wrinkle on my never looked so good! My left cheek was so swollen and taut. Smiling was next to impossible. And then I could finally manage one, well, sort of a smile. Yesterday, I could smile and see a wrinkle or two appearing. That was a cause for celebration. Right now my cheek is neither swelling or shrinking but I am not in pain.

This episode of pain has made me grateful for all the non pain I enjoy in my life. Overall, I am very healthy. It is easy to take feeling good for granted.

Our pup who couldn't stand to be touched has had a turn about. He has become loving and confident, observant beyond imaging, and determined to keep my spirits up. He did not think I should be spending so much time in bed. I bought him a squeaky chew toy. It worked to keep him occupied but not to sooth my nerves. I was glad when he chewed the squeaker out so I could take it away from him for his own safety.

I also noticed that I had slipped away from my "sit still do nothing" meditation. I thought listening to brain wave tapes or hypnosis was as good but I am finding I did myself a great dis-service ceasing that practice. So I am beginning it again today. I need the time to listen to the promptings of my soul instead of telling my insides what to do. I am thinking to resume this practice outside in nature.

So in the midst of emotional and physical pain I am again back to my "basics".
  • Why do I love my life so much?
  • Gamzu (shorthand for this too is for the best)
  • Sit still and do nothing meditation

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Gamzu

My studies of homeopathy with Master Homeopath Vega Rosenberg are spiritually based. We study the spiritual principles that influence health and well-being. Class includes spiritual lessons drawing on the wisdom of the ages. Last week we studied the deeper meaning of the Hebrew letter tes which relates to the concept of goodness. Part of the reading spoke of a simple man whose nickname included the word Gamzu because this man always said "This too is for the best". Gamzu means "this too".

I have personally come to the idea that incorporating the theme "This too is for the best" which I have shortened to "Gamzu" is a very high spiritual practice. It relates very well to my existing spiritual practice of asking why I love my life so much on which this blog is based. So over the past days I have been pondering the possible benefits of such an attitude and have developed quite a list. The ideas overlap but I think the nuances are valuable.

1. I acknowledge that God is in charge,
2. There is a natual order of things I may not understand
3. That calls me to humility.
4. It decreases my resistance to what is
5. Which decreases stress
6. And helps me to accept the apparently unacceptable.
7. I automatically expect and look for a good outcome
8. Which optimizes contigent opportunities.
9. I cultivate faith
10. Which emantes a feeling of well being to others.
11. I can keep my heart open and not focus on protecting myself.
12. I accept that I am going through things for a purpose even if it is not evident
13. And thus relax.
14. There is no competition,
15. No pushing the river,
16. And my chi (energy) flow increases.
17. I shift from brain thinking to soul perception,
18. So I make up fewer stories based on illlusion.
19. I take clean action based on clear intention.
20. I see ever more clearly why I love my life so much.

Gamzu!

My Dancing Washing Machine

There are many ways to learn patience. Even my washing machine is encougaging patience. We got it way back when from someone who was unhappy with it. The price was right. It has served us well. Of late it has taken to dancing. If you can imagine, when it gets to the spin cycle, it vibrates mightily and scoots itself across the floor. My response is to lean up against it as it vibrates me like one of those olde timey belt vibrators until the cycle is finished. It probably takes 5 minutes and feels like an hour. I can't delay attending to it either. When it shakes, I must cease every other activity and tend to it with undivided attention.

I have taken to smiling and laughing at these times. What else is there to do? Replacing the machine is on our short list of upcoming investments but in the meantime, why fight it?

Oh, The Pain of It!

You might think I am speaking of the pain of grief. It is reasonable. Afterall, Dad died, my sister's father-in-law was taken off the respirator, my martial arts instructor/teacher died in the car accident and today I sat with one of our cats until he passed away. All of these losses do hurt. I have been crying and crying. But the pain I am speaking of is the pain of jumping to conclusions. It is the mental torment I endured for no good reason other than I created the turmoil by jumping to conclusions and making up stories. Then I played in my pain and probably made others suffer also by retelling my fantasies.

In fact I belabored the stories of my martial art instructions' abrupt ending a few posts back. Today I took a letter to his girlfriend. We passed each other on his back country road and stopped to hug and cry and share. When we did talk about what had happened to my lessons, I learned John was going through something with his girlfriend and withdrew from the world by pushing everyone else out. It had nothing to do with me.

My fear of abandonment kicked into storytelling until I made it mean something about me or about him. I withdrew. I can't second guess how things might have gone if I had done otherwise. I am relieved I didn't cause the rift. I am sad I didn't hang in there with another phone call or two, and that I didn't keep my heartstrings open a bit more. I am allowing myself to open again.

My lesson continues to be to treat the people I love as precious. Death lurks around any corner. He just went out with a friend to Wal-Mart to get supplies for canning. There is no evident reason why his car left the road. He wasn't speeding, he was wearing a seatbelt. The car slid on wet grass to a ditch and flipped. He hit his head, broke his neck and collarbone and died instantly. My choice now is to learn not to jump to conclusions, don't take on pain when none is intended and fulfill his belief in me. Loving my life demands that I take change of my mind least it run me into the ground yet again.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Comfort Foods 101

I don't understand why comfort foods are things like ice cream bars instead of the zucchini I just harvested from my garden. Ever since I heard of my friends death, I cry and want to eat comfort foods. I even went to the store to get ice cram bars, all I could eat and then some. And tonight I am planning on goulash. Not that that is sooooo bad but I have barely been eating wheat for some time now. So the noodles open a dangerous door called white flour.

Experience tells me white flour and ice cream bars do in fact make me feel bad. It is like I am trying to make my body feel as bad as my feelings do. I also know eating this kind of comfort food will make me feel irritable and depressed on Wednesday. Not today. Today the sugar will give me a rush and keep me going for a time. Tomorrow I will crave more and Wednesday, I might as well join the roller derby as I will be like a bitch on wheels.

Knowing better is not enough to make better choices. I have taken the dogs for a walk around the pond, called a couple of friends, and written condolence letters.
I am not under the illusion that ice cream and wheat can fill the hole inside from my loss. I have been telling myself that "this too is for the best" but I don't believe it yet. Actually I have been out of touch with my friends for a month now. I don't know what was happening in his life; I only know he wasn't working out with me.

My sister wrote about participating in some swimming competitions with ladies older than herself. One is 80 and just learning to swim. I have been thinking about getting back to the pool. That should serve as an inspiration. I also signed up to submit some artwork and my turkey jerky to the state fair. I will dedicate one of the art projects to John.

I still feel sad to my bone marrow but please, don't offer me another ice ceam bar. I have had enough for now. Creating will be a better salve than food oblivion.

Passing On Changes

My fiancee and I broke up after my mom died "because I had changed", he said.

From then til recently, death touched my life very little in terms of people dear to me. Dad died 2.5 months ago. I have been watching my changes. A couple of days ago I asked Melanie if/how I changed since then. She said I have become more considerate. I, of course, asked for an example. I guess I used to be more self involved. If she asked me to do something I would respond I didn't have time then, so she stopped asking. Now, I offer to do, and go out of my way to do for her.

I was sad to hear that snippet of information about myself but I can see her point. It is a change I value. Looking at myself I feel more gracious, with people and circumstances than I did in the past. I used to feel thwarted and now it feels like part of the flow of life. I am more patient.

This conversation was prompted by an interaction Melanie had with the phamacist at the grocery store. She dropped by to see him when we were in town. Tim lost his wife, Elaine, 2 years ago to a fast moving cancer. He remarried. He reported changing his entire values with his wife's death. I understood he had been pre-occupied with work and his own projects, leaving little time for his wife. Elanine had told Melanie the happiest times with Tim were recently while they were remodeling their house. Now, Tim says if Elaine were looking down from heaven she would be asking, "Tim, is that you"? Because having lost his wife he realized he lost his life. Now he has become a family man first, a real interacting person. Why does it take death to wake us up to what we have?

Early yesterday morning,my good friend and martial arts instructor died on the scene from a car accident. This is the same friend whose loss I have been mourning for the past month because my martial arts lessons stopped abruptly. Now I will never know what prompted the cessation of lessons and communication. My dad's passing was expected and I had made effort to clean up the energy and communication bectween us. Things with John were still hanging though I have been grieving his loss already for some time. I don't know if that makes it easier or harder.

Martial Arts lessons were a time of learning about my body, how to push it, make it more flexible, agile and flowing. I enjoyed our philosphical discussions as much. We often bantered about theories of the universe, life after death, and what it all means. He was fond of drawing a distinction between stategy and tactics; the big picture as opposed to the means. And he was an example of someone who loved another with his whole being. He never felt complete if he was apart from his love. I, myself, operate from a homebase with lots of freedom. John found freedom in being joined at the hip with someone. That made me look at how I value my relationship as well.

From Tim who regretted not being there with his wife to John who was seldom away from his love, I am learning that the people in my life are more important than the accomplishments. Tim has a do over with a new wife; John is gone. I have choices. May I learn from the examples of others.

How has death changed your life? Are there changes beckoning you that needn't wait til someone close to you dies?