Learning about myself

I have a knee jerk withdraw and shut down reaction when I don't feel able to keep up with a project. I joined a 3 day intensive on web 2.0 and blog i360 http://www.blogi360.com/jamaffiliates/id/1917. we are on calls for 90 minute segments 3 times a day for 3 days. I went dead in the water in hydroplane lingo at call number 2. I failed to redirect my DNS to my new blog and had to wait. Since then I have been listening to the calls and observing my reactions.

So far I have been through a blame phase as in "he should have explained more clearly", an anger phase I might call Woman on a Rampage, total despair and self flagellation was close on its heels. Now I am feeling numb and wanting to be rescued. Here I am blogging instead of trying to do something. I am thinking learning about my default reactions is as valuable as learning the blogging material, though it does nothing to assist my cash flow.

In one way it is like language immersion programs where one lives with a foreign speaking family. The difference is there is a built in human community. Someone to sit on the bed with you and babble sympathetically. There is an attempt at a community in terms of a master mind team built into this class as well but what am I going to do, yell at them, cry, act pitiful? The home front thinks I am crazy to be learning in this way already and the home front is getting the frustrated fallout.

I don't yet know what I love about this process. My current gut take on it is, "This sucks". Yet I am not willing to throw in the towel and say I am unable to do it. The infant doesn't stop getting up while learning to walk even tough she falls a thousand times. Of course she probably doesn't yet have that little voice inside calling her names and telling her it is beyond her ability. In fact, everyone around her takes it for granted that one day she will be able to walk without falling. They applaud every little progress.

So for myself, it is time to go make one tiny little step to applaud.