Rewriting History

Not so very many years ago I would look at childhood photos of myself and see a sorrowful and withdrawn child. A few years ago I noticed I didn't look so sad in those photos any longer. I just looked normal. Now I look at those same photos and see a smiling, happy child with a twinkle in my eyes. What happened here?

I know I changed the stories I tell myself. I used to tell myself I was a breech baby because I didn't want to be on the planet. After all, I was bathed in fear vibes while still in the womb. Dad had fallen off a roof, broke his back and both ankles. They said he'd never walk again. Mom wasn't allowed see him, being so pregnant at the time with me. so naturally, life was hard for me and I had a story to justify it. I felt alone.

Perhaps my photos became "normal" about the time I was searching for stories of what was good in my family a few years ago. I wasn't looking then.

I first saw the smiles and twinkle while looking at photos for dad's memorial. I am so puzzled by the shifting perspectives. I am convinced that the photos themselves changed, not just the eyes seeing them. I feel myself connected to my family in a different way now and through that, I feel more connected to the human family as a whole.

I once thought it noble to consider myself a "self made woman" now that seems to be an arrogant position. Clearly I stand on the shoulders of my parents, my siblings and even countless others both unkonown and unknown. I really am loving my life more now. Even the memory of feeling alone is fading away.

My history changed as I resorted stories and gave them a new spin. It might not even be a new spin. It might simply reflecting the change order in which stories I think of first. My "present time" has changed dramatically. My future trajectory has made a radical shift.