When TV is more compelling than reality

I don't know that this post will ever be posted. It feels private. It feels crazy. I have been watching Startrek: The Next Generation series from the beginning. In the episode I watched tonight, Wesley Crusher the young ensign I watched grow up was visiting from Starfleet academy and he was sullen and irritable. Someone from the tribe of Indians the Enterprise was sent to evacuate bought him to a place to have a Vision Quest of sorts. He had a vision in which his long dead father came to him and told Wesley not to follow him but to set out on his own course. Wesley resigned his commission and became an apprentice to The Traveler, an entity who travels the universe freely.

The people I admire are like the Renaissance people like De Vinci, Tesla, Walter Russel (The Man Who Knew the Secrets of the Universe). People who were masters at many things and could really see outside the box. To that end I am drawn to explore art, music, science. Wesley was trying to live up to what he perceived to be the expectation of others including his mother and captain. His destiny if you will was so much beyond their imaginations. Unfortunately, I do not have the imagination to take me where I want to go.

I look at recent events. My dad's death, the discontinuation of my martial arts training, my inner restlessness. I just had 3 weeks of living alone time I did not make great use of. Well, I guess that depends on my perspective. I rather feel I got caught in an undertow yet again with goals relating to fitness and weight. I replaced my sit still and do nothing time with listening to weight related hypnosis tapes. How I feel about myself and my day depends on what I ate and if I exercised. I am looking to control the longings of my soul by regimenting my physical well being. I am reporting the quantifiable to my master mind team and again lost track of the qualitative.

To be sure, I have stretched myself. I have taken the myofascial release class with horses and learned a lot. To stand next to a great big horse and work with him was a stretch. I have registered for a course in working with fusing and slumping glass. Had my first ever Bamboo sale and will soon be laying a new floor. From some perspectives I am going for it, from others I am barely venturing beyond the 50 yad line when the universe can be my playing field.

Maybe it is a crises of identity or maybe of faith. Maybe I am hitting my head on a self imposed ceiling. It is said that if you take a flea and cover it's container with a transparent barrier, it will learn how high it can jump. When the barrier is removed it will never jump higher. Or the elephant that is chained when it is young and then is bound by a restraint all of its life. Even when it would no longer hold him.

There is some boldness called for now. At the very least to get back to my study of why I love my life so much and sitting still doing nothing. What I thought was structure I needed to support going for it fell short in my execution of it. The means became the ends. Maybe the boldness is going back inside yet again until it bubbles up from within. Clearly I don't "know" the answer. Maybe I don't even know the question.