Choose Ecstasy

My feelings were stirred up by my last post so as I went to bed I played one one my favorite games. I ask a question and ask to gain insight by picking a passage in a book at random. Last night I asked for perspective on my turmoil with my martial arts teacher. My book was Recieving God by Jason Shulman.

The answer was "ecstasy is chosen". Sigh. His explanation is that "ecstacy is the condition that arises when both happiness and unhappiness are seen to have a common origin". He is nudging me away from seeking only light or good times into holding both light and darkness close to my bosom. In that way I add depth to my experience and if the light and dark are integrated, my bubble can't pop. I can't fall into pollyanna-ish thinking. I was willing to entertain this experience through that lens and fell asleep.

Today is the day we usually worked out. Since I did not have an appointment to keep, I did not make an effort to get up and get going. I had used those workouts as the cornerstone of my fitness program. Meeting someone to workout allowed me to assign my responsibility to do for myself to someone else. I just needed to show up. Without that structure.... well... sigh.... responsibility for my fitness falls fully back on me. Quite possibly I am as upset at having to make conscious choices about exercise as I am upset at the lack of communication that I chose to make me feel like a fool and betrayed. This is like holding up a mirror and seeing a massive pimple on the face of my soul. Sigh.

So I am back to the basics. One soul inhabiting one spacesuit body. I choose to keep this spacesuit in optimum fuctioning condition. So here I go into some routine as I keep my eyes open for another growth expanding, physical conditioning structure. Maybe I want to get in shape enough to hike a(short)portion of the Appalacian trail.
Hmmmm, what would be the funnest way to move forward now? Into Ecstacy! Into fitness!Into loving my life, pain and all!