Pain to my Bone Marrow

Grief is a funny thing. Sometimes it strikes clear to my bone marrow. You might thnk I am grieving the loss of my dad, but not this time. I don't even know what to call what I am grieving.

I take private martial arts classes. Our schedule is free flowing and changeable but we keep in touch by phone. A week ago Sunday I was stood up. There was no call to reschedule or explain. This was uncharacteristic of our relationship. I left a couple of messages and got no reply. My assumption was that something awful had happened. I left messages offering assistance or support. I left my phone number in case someone else picked up the call and needed to respond to me. No contact. I even offfered to check in on his animals. No contact.

Finally on Friday I saw a familar vehicle. I went to in see what was going on. I could see he and his partner were fine and commented on such. She looked confused. He muttered something about scheduling difficulties. I wasn't availble to work out that weekend and left saying give me a call.

Somehow I felt betrayed. I felt a fool for worrying and caring. I felt like what I had thought to be a friendship really wasn't. The more I thought on these things, the more I hurt all the way to my bone marrow. I still don't know what happened here. There is no enough information for closure. There has not been another call. What is going on? Why me? Why this? Why now? Resistance is not only futile but painful.

I know enough to know that my response to an event is more important than the event itself. There are various lessons I can take from this but I want to take from this in a way that allows me to keep my heart open and to keep caring. I have grown a lot studying with this person and had many good times. I went way beyond my comfort zone and benefitted. There are other experiences I can persue to continue my growing. He is not my source but an avenue that may or may not open up again. I won't call again. I would go to work out again if he calls me. It is difficult to suspend judgement pending finding more information. It is hard to keep my heart open when it hurts so much.

I am at choice here. Maybe this is an ultimate lesson of flowing. That has been one of my weak points. The only thing that now comes to mind is the children's song:
Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Life is but a dream.

Time to float along to another great adventure.