What's Going On Here?

When I was little I knew the words "What's going on here"? usually meant trouble. I was pushing the envelope in a way that would have consequences. Surely what I am looking at now also has consequences. I am still watching myself discover what it means.

I have been observing how I use my unscheduled time. I am not proud to say that my best gobbler of time is Spider Solitaire. I like to think I can influence the cards by my attitude, that it cultivates single point focus, and helps me to unwind. These may all be true on occasion but the value gained is not commensurate to the time spent. I have known this for some time but Spider seems to be my default setting when I am bored.

Usually I like to write when I have an insight into some small behavior. I have no insight yet about this. Maybe it is enough to "fess up". I have lots of interests that I am exploring but not with enough determination and passion to become how I choose to spend my unscheduled time. How many things could I have gotten quite good at by now if I had channeled my Spider time into their pursuit.

This is not about beating myself up. Rather it is about becoming conscious. I hope it leads to different choices. Maybe. I often suggest that if people want to smoke, they totally enjoy every single puff and when it becomes habitual to put it out until they are loving it again. I think I will follow my own advice here and play Spider with my whole being and attention until I am drawn to something else or bored.
Perhaps then I will see how it fits into why I love my life so much.