My winding spiritual journey
I am facing the possibility of making a couple of u-turns in my spiritual/philosophical life assumptions. That I have not made them already is a reflection of my early religious training/indoctrination. I have probably been dancing around these assumptions for some time but am only now being able to articulate them clearly enough to myself to choose anew, or at least review anew.
Actually I am waffling on my u-turns and have stalled out in the writing about this. So here are my mental meanderings.
I am about personal growth and change, taking personal responsibility. I am about doing this from the most encompassing spiritual perspective I can find that resonates with me.
Initially, I was born and raised catholic. You might call a child who went to mass and communion everyday for 4 years, walking more than a mile to do so, pious if not religiously affected. From this period of time I was a "good girl" with a lot of learned guilt who didn't understand sin because I made the best choices I could at the time So I made up my sins when I went to confession. Somehow I emerged with a recognition of suffering in the world and a need to change it. Oh, if only a woman could be pope!
Searching for me began early on. Might have been the nun who told me and another convert to stop asking questions because we were destroying the faith of others in the class. I think we were the two probing our faith and she didn't have answers.
So I read at the Theosophical Society, read "Be Here Now" by Ram Das, the Rampa books, whatever was available in the mid to late 60's. I studied astrology. About then I had my most formative spiritual experience. I was standing near to my little bookshelf and heard a clear voice in my "heart" that said, "Study anything you want but do not seek psychic experiences. Grow you character and all will come in time."
"Growing my character" became my yardstick of choice. If all else was equal, which option would grow my character the most?
I have to say though, that growing my character was balanced by my need to change the world. That meant my trying to rescue the downtrodden and resulted in my being attracted to guys that needed fixing. They were needy, addicted, self absorbed. So I became a Moonie. I could save the world, live in a celibate community, have a matched marriage eventually,(good, since my men choices were pitiful and unchangeable)
and grow my character. Here, God was a suffering God whose tears I sought to ease.
From there I moved into Feminism and Native American teaching which both embraced the indwelling Spirit of God in all life. I did vision quest in the Apache tradition, studied with a Native American orientated shaman who evolved into Buddhism. All the time growing my character. My current studies lean heavily into Jewish mysticism based on the Kabalah.
My questions are always about good and evil, the origin of evil, the true nature of being human and what is life all about, and what God wants from us. I'll muse further on the next blog.
Actually I am waffling on my u-turns and have stalled out in the writing about this. So here are my mental meanderings.
I am about personal growth and change, taking personal responsibility. I am about doing this from the most encompassing spiritual perspective I can find that resonates with me.
Initially, I was born and raised catholic. You might call a child who went to mass and communion everyday for 4 years, walking more than a mile to do so, pious if not religiously affected. From this period of time I was a "good girl" with a lot of learned guilt who didn't understand sin because I made the best choices I could at the time So I made up my sins when I went to confession. Somehow I emerged with a recognition of suffering in the world and a need to change it. Oh, if only a woman could be pope!
Searching for me began early on. Might have been the nun who told me and another convert to stop asking questions because we were destroying the faith of others in the class. I think we were the two probing our faith and she didn't have answers.
So I read at the Theosophical Society, read "Be Here Now" by Ram Das, the Rampa books, whatever was available in the mid to late 60's. I studied astrology. About then I had my most formative spiritual experience. I was standing near to my little bookshelf and heard a clear voice in my "heart" that said, "Study anything you want but do not seek psychic experiences. Grow you character and all will come in time."
"Growing my character" became my yardstick of choice. If all else was equal, which option would grow my character the most?
I have to say though, that growing my character was balanced by my need to change the world. That meant my trying to rescue the downtrodden and resulted in my being attracted to guys that needed fixing. They were needy, addicted, self absorbed. So I became a Moonie. I could save the world, live in a celibate community, have a matched marriage eventually,(good, since my men choices were pitiful and unchangeable)
and grow my character. Here, God was a suffering God whose tears I sought to ease.
From there I moved into Feminism and Native American teaching which both embraced the indwelling Spirit of God in all life. I did vision quest in the Apache tradition, studied with a Native American orientated shaman who evolved into Buddhism. All the time growing my character. My current studies lean heavily into Jewish mysticism based on the Kabalah.
My questions are always about good and evil, the origin of evil, the true nature of being human and what is life all about, and what God wants from us. I'll muse further on the next blog.
posted by Patricia @ 11:20 AM
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